|
Health Matters
Introduction
Knowledge is a good antidote to the shame and discomfort that many people feel about having a sexual concern. This information may help you define and better understand your sexual problem as well as demystify the process of sex therapy.
Hopefully, the information below will decrease the barriers you have to understanding and working on the problem and increase your comfort as you do so.
Contributing Factors to Sexual Disorders
Cultural messages from specific cultural backgrounds.
Nice girls don’t, women should be passive, sex is a woman’s duty, and on and on.
Personal history can contribute to sexual difficulties:
- Lack of information about sex
- Generalized anxiety disorder and depression
- Poor communication regarding sexual needs
- Fears of being intimate with a partner
- Relationship issues of power, control and conflict (especially hostility and resentment)
- Severe cultural, religious and family restrictions on masturbation and premarital sexuality or other negative messages about sex
- Aversion to sex
- Past sexual trauma - rape or sexual abuse
- Painful first attempts at intercourse or history of chronic painful intercourse
- Expectation that sex hurts
- Fear and distrust of men or partner
- Fear of pregnancy
- Sexual \ orientation conflict
- Relationship conflict (especially hostility)
- Unconscious fears and ambivalence
Treatment of Sexual Disorders
Psychological treatment will always start with taking a comprehensive sex history and exploring causes.
- Psycho-education
- Role modelling
- Relaxation techniques
- Humour
- Touching exercises for self and for partner
- Body image exercises
- Reading and specific sex education videos
- Journaling
- Assertion training
Treatment
- Addressing relationship, physical and medical factors that contribute to the problem
- Challenging Negative Sexual Beliefs
- Developing Positive Sexual Attitudes and Motivations
- Assertion training
- Conditions for Good Sex
- Graduated massage, self touch and partner touch exercises
- Exploring fantasy and erotica
Medical Treatment
- Medications
- Surgical interventions
Problems with Sexual Desire and Frequency
Problems with sexual desire and sexual frequency are some of the most common and complicated concerns that cause individuals and couples to seek sex therapy.
Definition
Persistently or recurrently deficient (or absent) sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity. The judgment of deficiency or absence is made by the clinician, taking into account factors that affect sexual functioning, such as age and the context of the person’s life.
Prevalence
Studies report Hypoactive Sexual Desire diagnosis ranges from 14 - 63%.
Causes and Barriers
- Biological
- Hormonal factors, health/major illnesses, street drugs, medications, and age and aging
- Emotional
- Religious, cultural, and family messages about sex. Self and body image concerns, inhibitions regarding sexual fantasies, sexual trauma history, masked sexual orientation issues, lack of information, unrealistic expectations and fears of intimacy and closeness, and lack of differentiation from family of origin or from partner.
- Relationship
- Stored anger, resentment and chronic conflict, need for power and control, not attracted to partner, disagreements about conditions and reasons for sex, inability to negotiate differences as a fundamental relationship problem.
- Unrealistic Expectations
- Initial infatuation stage vs. deeper, more calm stage of attachment (not all-consumed with sex). Real love is built on communication and intimacy. Sex becomes a part of the whole relationship, not the centre of it.
- Lifestyle / Culture
- Life in the fast lane, role overload, fatigue, unrealistic expectations for sex, body image and relationships from media influence.
Treatment
Some people will possibly be able to resolve what is bothering them by just reading and applying some of the ideas below. Others won’t. There is usually a hidden part of sexual problems, the emotional part that is unique to each individual and /or the couple. Many people often need the boost of professional help to get the many aspects of their concern sorted through and resolved.
Improving Communication about Sex
Do sex checks. State what I want in positive respectful terms. Talk about sex more often. Listen carefully and non-defensively to what my partner has to say. Be willing to try what my partner suggests while respecting my own sexual limits. Refrain from blame and criticism. Praise my partner daily. Talk about my resistance and hesitancy to communicate about sex.
Good sex takes effort once you’re past the infatuation stage of the relationship
- Sexual excitement is made not born
- Cultivate sexual mindfulness
Finding time in your busy life
- If you don’t make an effort, forgetting to have sex can become a habit
- The key to a good sex life within a busy life is planning
Finding couple time and making sex a priority
- Ask for help if needed and also learn to say no. Divide the labour.
- Find couple time - overlap shifts, extend day care, meet for lunch, cancel appointments, enforce bedtime, use the media, use baby sitters, relatives and friends or trade with other parents.
- Regular date nights, 15 minute face to face talks daily and romantic weekends away.
Conditions for good sex
- Turn off the TV, computer, cell phones
- Go to bed at the same time, and earlier in the evening
- Light meals and little or no alcohol
- Feeling rested and connected
- Candlelight and flowers?
Restore touch & affection so that touch does NOT equal sex
- Eye contact
- Touch gently during conversation
- Sit close on couch
- Spoon
- Hold hands
- Romantic Love Starter Kit - Cultivate Good Feelings
- Say “I love you”
- Send a SMS with a sexy message
- Send me a card in the mail
- Bring me a flower
- Do a chore without being asked
- Go for a walk and talk with me
My sex treasure box - Be prepared!
- Lock on the door
- White noise or radio near the door
- Special underwear & sleepwear
- Favourites sex toys
- Romantic music
- Massage oil
- DVD’s, erotic books & magazines
- Contraceptives & lubes
Better sex through chemistry?
- Sex is more than just chemistry
- Drugs may reduce or enhance libido
- Consult with your physician
|
